“We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think and feel.” – Marshall B. Rosenberg, Author Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion
From early education to graduate level, teachers are called upon to shape our children’s education, instill confidence and self-awareness, teach them the social and emotional skills to navigate a changing world, and prepare them to be adults. Yet despite the vital role that teachers play in our students’ lives there is not a parent or caregiver anywhere who hasn’t “lost their cool” to varying degrees with a teacher at some point in their child’s education.
On the one hand, it’s understandable. Parents and caregivers have a lot to react to during the school year in the U.S. The average student will take 112 tests between kindergarten and high school graduation, leaving plenty of room for stress, disagreement, and angst. Many parents and caregivers feel that the only way their child will get the attention they need and deserve is to “get loud” when advocating for their child. The American idiom ‘The squeaky wheel gets the grease’ is seen frequently in social media parenting groups and generally greeted with enthusiastic 100%, hand-clapping and fire emojis when a parent or caregiver references the phrase in a post.
On the other hand, unfortunately, a parent or caregiver in the name of “advocating” can easily become the parent or caregiver who gets emotional, screams, yells and becomes confrontational with a teacher—a scenario teachers are confronted with all too often.
How should a teacher handle this situation? What are some de-escalation techniques they can implement to diffuse a confrontational situation, resolve conflict, and ensure their—and the parents’ or caregivers’—safety?
De-Escalation Techniques
Understand the Parents’ or Caregivers’ Point of View
According to Parents Under Pressure, the U.S. Surgeon General’s 2024 Advisory on the Mental Health and Wellbeing of Parents, 41% of parents say that most days they are so stressed they cannot function and 48% say that most days their stress is completely overwhelming compared to other adults (20% and 26%, respectively). Financial strain, economic pressures, time demands, children’s wellbeing and safety, parental loneliness and isolation, the impact of technology and social media, and cultural pressures are the key concerns identified by today’s parents and caregivers in the Advisory. The adage “putting yourself in their shoes” can go a long way toward de-escalating a conflict. Ask yourself, “How would you feel if you were a parent or caregiver and thought your child was being graded unfairly? How would you feel if your child came home crying, saying they were disciplined at school without your knowledge of the details of the situation?”
Being mindful of an educator’s privilege over a parent or caregiver is essential. As a figure of authority, you inherently have the upper hand over parents and caregivers, and it’s easier for a teacher or educator to be non-emotional in situations involving their student rather than their child. Other considerations include generational trauma, the parent or caregiver’s own experience in school, and communication barriers if the parent or caregiver is trying to communicate in a second language. Exhibiting empathy toward parents and caregivers can be a first step in de-escalation.
Engaging in Active Listening
A cornerstone of de-escalating a situation as well as a pre-crisis intervention is “active listening.” This isn’t just hearing what the person is saying; it includes trying to understand the intent and emotions behind them. According to Robin Abrahams and Boris Groysberg in the Harvard Business Review article, How to Become a Better Listener there are three components to active listening:
- Cognitive: Paying attention to all the information you are receiving from the other person
- Emotional: Staying calm and compassionate during the conversation, including managing any emotional reactions (annoyance, boredom) you might experience
- Behavioral: Conveying interest and comprehension verbally and nonverbally
An example of cognitive listening is phrasing your responses with the goal of understanding, e.g., “It sounds like you’re really frustrated with…” or repeating the last few words of their phrase back to them, e.g., “She did work hard on that project and hard work should be rewarded…”
Emotional and behavioral components of active listening are exhibited by asking inquisitive questions and monitoring your own body language—maintaining attentive posture and making eye contact—to convey that their words matter and that you’re doing your best to understand their issues.
Recognize and Diffuse Survival Mode
When considering how to best handle an escalated parent, it’s also important to note patterns of behavior. Has this parent been consistently struggling? Are they showing signs they are in “Survival mode”? Survival mode has four components – Fight, Flight, Freeze and Collapse which present as:
Fight – Disproportionately angry, reactive, defensive, consistently late for drop off/pick up, confrontational, tearful, dominates professionals’ time
Flight – Consistently late for drop off/pick up, quick to leave/avoids other parents, always on the phone, avoids eye contact/keeps, criticizing, chaotic, panicked, tearful, blaming
Freeze – Collecting in pajamas, consistently late for drop off/pick up, avoids parents’ evening, victim stance, tolerates issues; doesn’t seem to want resolutions, doesn’t participate in meetings, backs down quickly if issues are raised
Collapse – Disengaged, hopeless, overwhelmed, forgetful, collecting in pajamas, consistently late for drop off/pick up, avoiding parents’ evening and all communication, oblivious to appearance of self and child
You may recognize yourself in these descriptions. We’ve all exhibited some of these behaviors at one time or another. Coming from a place of curiosity, compassion, and support is what is needed for parents in survival mode.
Practice Stress Management
Becoming aware of your own stressors and triggers is an essential skill to cultivate as an educator. Just like parents, the pressures on teachers have grown over the years. Recent studies show that 77% of teachers report their job is frequently stressful and 68% say they are overwhelmed. 40% say they want to leave education and a whopping 52% of educators say they wouldn’t recommend becoming a teacher to a young person. In such challenging times, it’s important to develop the ability to manage your own emotions to respond to stressful situations in a healthy way. Self-care is a critical component of self-regulation, which includes taking time for yourself, getting enough rest, living a healthy lifestyle, and engaging in some type of regular physical activity.
Set Boundaries
From the outset of any conflict, it’s essential to set clear boundaries. Empathy is important, but so is laying out what you will and will not accept. In fact, setting boundaries is essential for a healthy and productive conversation. To set clear boundaries, it’s a good idea to:
- Speak calmly and with assertion. Speaking calmly, clearly, and assertively helps to establish your authority without coming across as patronizing or confrontational.
- Set clear expectations. If a parent or caregiver begins to raise their voice, say calmly, “I understand you’re upset, but yelling is disrespectful, and we don’t tolerate that here. I’m happy to continue the conversation, but we both need to be respectful.”
Focus on the Solution
Focusing on potential solutions can go a long way toward de-escalating a dysregulated parent/caregiver or one in ‘crisis mode.’ Dr. Michael Kane, a board-certified psychiatrist and medical director at Indiana Center for Recovery, says in any conflict, it’s essential to be willing to trade “winning a point” for “finding a solution.” He says, “When we’re so focused on being right or proving a point, we often lose sight of the bigger picture and end up escalating the conflict,” he said. “It’s important to shift the focus from ‘me vs. you’ to ‘us vs. the problem.'”
Offering solutions such as “What if we start a daily notebook that we send home with your child every day with updates on XYZ?” or “Let’s set a time each week for a quick touch base to discuss your child’s progress” can defuse a stressful conversation or meeting. These two options, for example, show that you care about their child and want them to be successful and provide a concrete way that a parent or caregiver can stay involved in their child’s education.
Final Thoughts
Communicating with parents and caregivers can be challenging, no matter the circumstances. By practicing these de-escalation techniques; being assertive and empathetic, understanding but firm, setting clear boundaries, and practicing self-care management daily to protect yourself and your emotions, you will be well-positioned to handle any conflict that arises with a parent or caregiver.
