Perhaps more than ever before parents are asking how they can help their children become resilient and self-sufficient adults, and how to instill the “grit” that is needed to thrive in our increasingly complex world. It is not surprising that parents are confused. Despite a wealth of knowledge from the fields of child development, education, neuroscience, and behavioral psychology, we are faced with the troubling fact that American young people today are significantly lagging behind those of the early 1970’s on several developmental measures.
According to well-known psychologist and author, Dr. Jean Twenge, several longitudinal studies have shown that “today’s 25-year-olds are at the developmental level of 18-year-olds from the early 1970s … and that today’s 18-year-olds have the maturity level of 13-year-olds from the ‘70s.” This disparity in maturation, Dr. Twenge postulates, is due in part to “over-involved parents doing too much for their children.”
Over the last several decades parenting styles have evolved significantly, giving rise to such terms as “helicopter”, “bulldozer”, “snowplow” and “lawnmower” parents. Parental behaviors have been influenced by shifting professional advice based on research findings and also by changing socio-cultural norms – e.g., more flexible definitions of the roles of mothers and fathers, increased parental job demands, less family/community support in child-rearing (the “village” has been eroded), and global economic worries that have pushed the pressures for students to achieve academically to lower and lower grade levels. These and other changes have significantly impacted the rhythm of family life and the culture and priorities of school systems.
Perhaps the most important factor, however, is the increase in parental anxiety. The 24-hour news cycle feeds us images of danger everywhere in the world and contributes to a level of anxiety that is disproportionate to the actual dangers currently faced by American children. Data from numerous longitudinal studies show that children are actually safer today than in the past, but the constant exposure to bad news makes us feel less safe, prompting parents to increase the scope and intensity of protective behaviors. Further complicating the matter, technology has made it incredibly easy for parents to “hover” over their children and literally track their every move, while with a single click they can communicate with teachers and coaches about every aspect of their child’s day. The virtual world, of course, presents its own set of dangers for children, but it can easily be argued that parental over-involvement in children’s lives has created a host of unintended negative consequences.
How Helicopter and Bulldozer Parenting Styles Have Impacted the Development of Resilient, Self-Sufficient Adults
The term “helicopter parent” was first used in a 1969 book by Dr. Haim Ginott but did not become widely used until the late 1980’s. “Bulldozer” parenting (also known as “lawnmower” and “snowplow” parenting) is a newer concept that was coined by David McCoullough, a former high school English teacher, in his 2015 book You Are Not Special. A helicopter parent hovers over a child, keeping an eye on every move, micro-managing all the child’s activities, and allowing little personal space. Bulldozer parenting takes things a few steps further, taking over many activities for the child and actively clearing away any obstacles that might interfere with the child’s happiness, comfort, or success, and shielding him from the natural consequences of his behavior (e.g., failing a test that was not adequately prepared for). Bulldozer parenting involves a greater degree of control over the child’s life and a restriction of independence. A helicopter parent, for example, might be highly engaged with a child while doing her homework, while a bulldozer parent might take over and do the homework for the child.
It is, of course, extremely difficult to see one’s child struggling or in pain, and the tendency to swoop in to “fix” things is totally understandable. At the same time, the frustration and sense of failure that often accompany learning new things and facing difficult life situations are the very things that fuel growth and maturity. Over-involved parenting styles have contributed to generations of youngsters who lack basic life and problem-solving skills, have low frustration tolerance, lack self-sufficiency, and suffer from excessive anxiety. Interference, as reported in a 2019 NY Times article about a major college admissions scandal, can even be “taken to its criminal extreme … bribing SAT proctors and paying off college coaches to get children in to elite colleges — and then going to great lengths to make sure they never face the humiliation of knowing how they got there.”
As described in an online article by Verywell Mind, some examples of bulldozer parenting include not allowing children to do age-appropriate things (e.g., taking the bus or walking home from school); not requiring household chores; and frequently intervening in a child’s issues with authority figures such as teachers or coaches, or with peers. Over-involved parenting can bring short term relief for a child, but the potential long-term effects include a lack of autonomy, learned helplessness, difficulty with emotion regulation, increased anxiety, and a sense of entitlement as young people come to expect assistance and preferential treatment. Self-esteem is undermined as children can easily conclude from observing parental behavior that they are indeed stupid, weak, and/or incompetent and thus require extra assistance.
Finally, the effects of over-involved parenting can also have tangible, economic results for a family. A recently released Pew study revealed that 44% of young adults received financial help from their parents in the last year, according to Rachel Minkin, a Pew researcher, and that 36% of parents admitted that this hurt their own finances to some degree. Of course, it must also be noted that financial conditions have significantly changed in recent decades: “Young adults today are more likely to have student loan debt. They’re also more likely to carry higher rates of mortgage loans than young adults 30 years ago. They’re also delaying getting married, to have that dual income. So, all of these factors are probably part of the financial situation that young adults are looking at today,” Minkin said.
What is “Grit” and Why Does it Matter?
University of Pennsylvania psychology professor Angela Duckworth is credited with popularizing the concept of “grit”. Before Duckworth, most researchers studying achievement had focused on measures of intelligence and innate ability as the best predictors of success. But in her 2016 book, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, Dr. Duckworth makes a strong case for the role of “grit”, that is, perseverance and passion for very long-term goals, as the most significant predictor of success.
Over the years Dr. Duckworth and her team have conducted numerous studies involving diverse populations. They developed the “Grit Scale”, a self-report questionnaire that measures focused effort and interest over time. In these studies, individuals’ “grit scores” were calculated and then related to various measures of success. For example, in one study in the Chicago Public Schools the researchers found that high school juniors with the most grit were more likely to graduate from high school than their less gritty peers. This finding held up even after accounting for other factors, including standardized test scores, school safety, support from teachers, parents and peers, and conscientiousness.
Duckworth identifies four psychological assets of people with grit: Interest or passion, the capacity to practice, a sense of purpose (that is, connecting one’s passion to the well-being of others or the world), and hope. She emphasizes that while all four characteristics can be developed, much more research is needed to better understand strategies to foster grit in young people. She said, however, that Dr. Carol Dweck’s work on mindset is a great place to start. Approaching children from a “growth” rather than a “fixed” mindset involves teaching them that the brain is a “muscle” that can be developed through effort and perseverance. A fixed mindset, on the other hand, conveys that intelligence and talent are fixed at birth – what you’re born with is what you’ve got – a perspective that is both untrue and undermines hope, hard work, and frustration toleration.
As researchers continue their work to identify best practices, Dr. Duckworth has offered several ideas for parents and educators looking to foster grit in children and teens:
- Be aware of the bias to focus on intrinsic talent as the key to success. Provide as much support (if not more) to the “strivers” as to the “naturals”.
- Help students cultivate “deliberate” practice habits; that is, the ability to identify and focus on their weaknesses rather than on things already within their comfort zone.
- Teach the “10,000 hours” rule to impress upon students that it takes time to reach goals. Numerous writers have identified that 10,000 hours of practice over about 10 years are required for someone to become an expert at anything.
- Conduct “purpose” exercises. Ask students to reflect about how school lessons might connect to a larger life goal, to making the world a better place, etc.
What Can Parents and Educators Do to Foster Resilience, Self-Sufficiency, and Grit?
Based on his experiences coaching his son’s baseball team, former Major League baseball player and manager Mike Matheny came to feel so strongly about these issues that he wrote a book about it: The Matheny Manifesto: A Young Manager’s Views on Success in Sports and Life (2017). He believes that often the best role parents can play is to be a strong (and silent!) source of encouragement for children. Others have offered a variety of considerations:
- Be mindful of and manage your own anxiety. Be careful not to overly express fears in front of your children; overestimating threats conveys that the world is a scary and dangerous place.
- Avoid getting caught up in short term goals and successes – keep an eye on the long-term, big picture.
- Follow your child’s lead with respect to interests – consider whether you are living your own unfulfilled dreams through your children.
- Try not to model avoidance in your own life (e.g., backing out of social engagements due to social anxiety, or avoiding new things because of a fear of failure).
- Help children learn to hear feedback from others without becoming overly constrained by others’ opinions.
- Encourage your child not to hide mistakes but rather to use them as learning tools.
- Help children label the sensations they experience when taking on new challenges as excitement and anticipation, not just fear, and express confidence that they can tolerate these feelings as they face, rather than back away from challenges. Help them express disappointment and sadness if they fail at something, and then move on without getting stuck in self-pity.
- Learn the different parenting styles and how to maintain an authoritative (remember that your child is not your friend!) stance. Both permissive and over-involved parenting styles may have evolved as a reaction against more authoritarian and/or distant styles that were prevalent in the past, but both these styles have their own set of drawbacks.
- Consult mental health professionals at school or in your community if you believe your child suffers from excessive anxiety and/or other mental health symptoms.
- Let go of the notion of “the perfect parent” and give yourself some grace.
Resources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sport-between-the-ears/202112/stop-coddling-your-young-athlete
https://www.businessinsider.com/american-children-safer-than-ever-2015-4
Snowplow parenting: New study reveals majority support adult children financially (wjla.com)
Duckworth, A. (2016). Grit, The Power of Passion and Perseverance. New York: Scribner.
Snowplow Parenting: Signs, Impact, and How to Avoid It (verywellmind.com)
How Parents Are Robbing Their Children of Adulthood – The New York Times (nytimes.com)
Types of Parenting Styles and How They Affect Kids (parents.com)
