Transitions from nursery school to kindergarten to 1st grade, from middle school to high school, and from high school to college are the ones commonly considered by students, parents, and teachers. Life, however, is constantly in flux and involves many transitions from one place or situation to another. As we travel through the life cycle – from infancy, to childhood, to adolescence, to adulthood, and then to old age – we are challenged by the transitions that exist both between and within each stage of development.
There are many quotes about change, the most famous perhaps being the one attributed to the Greek philosopher Heraclitus who lived from 535-475 BC: “There is nothing permanent except change.” Changes come in all shapes and sizes, some that we choose and others that are thrust upon us and are beyond our control. The loss of a loved one, a financial setback, a health problem, a natural disaster or other traumatic event – these are not changes that we actively seek. Even those that we do choose and are excited about, however, create stress and require adaptation on our part. Moving to a new neighborhood, changing jobs, learning to drive a car, embarking on a new hobby, getting married and having children, striking up a new friendship, retiring – these experiences all thrust us into the unknown.
Learning to navigate change is a critical component of healthy development. It affects mood, self-regulation, decision-making, relationships, self-confidence, and one’s sense of self-efficacy. How one thinks about, and approaches change will have far-reaching effects on the attainment of life goals, on contentment, and on overall health and well-being.
The Basics: What Middle and High School Students Need to Know about Transitions
The most important message that young people (and caregivers/teachers!) need to hear is that anxiety is normal when facing a new or unknown situation. In fact, fear is both adaptive and necessary. Human nervous systems are wired to respond to novelty with caution so that danger can be assessed and dealt with. Anxiety is information – when activated, the body’s fight or flight response tells us to pay attention, assess danger, choose a course of action, and then proceed. The goal is not to eliminate anxiety altogether, but rather to learn how to understand its message, tolerate the discomfort, and move forward in spite of it.
Students also need to know that they are not alone – every student in transition experiences some version of the same fears, even if “it doesn’t show”. We all need to be reminded at times not to judge and compare how we feel on the “inside” with what others are showing on the “outside”. Self-compassion and patience are key.
It is also helpful to convey to students that they don’t have to jump in on the deep end. There are many ways to prepare and plan for upcoming changes even though navigating through a transition is rarely a straightforward path. Plans can both be made and amended as one moves along, and the need to shift gears does not indicate failure or poor planning. Students should be coached to view mistakes as inevitable and that the only regret in making a mistake is in hiding it, thereby missing the opportunity to learn from the mistake and adjust future behavior.
Finally, our attitudes about change and the self-talk that is generated by these attitudes can make a world of difference in how we adapt. We can view change as an adventure, identifying both the opportunities as well as the challenges, rather than simply a burden to be endured. Self-talk like “This is terrible, there’s no way I can do this” can be replaced with “This will be both hard and exciting, and I can make a plan and ask for help when I need it.” Also important to note is that the physiological sensations associated with fear and with excitement overlap considerably; the major difference is our assessment of the situation, “This is scary” versus “This is scary and it’s also kind of exciting”.
Preparing to Attend a New School
The most predictable transitions experienced by children involve the change from one school or educational level to another. Such a change involves the shifting of energy, focus, and priorities and requires the child to adjust to new rules, boundaries, and expectations. Fortunately, there are many things that parents and teachers can do to support youngsters as they move through the educational system.
First, a parent or caregiver should ask lots of questions about what the child is thinking and feeling about the upcoming change. Depending on the child’s age, a parent or caregiver can ask the child to draw or write a list of what they expect to be different, what they are looking forward to, and what the child might be afraid of. No matter what the child expresses, make sure to validate and normalize all feelings and concerns. Even though the ultimate goal is to move through their fears and help them feel prepared, the conversation must start with acceptance of where the child is at, without moving quickly to reassure or to dismiss his concerns.
Along with this, a parent or caregiver can help a child appreciate the excitement and adventure that change can bring, helping to acknowledge that fear and excitement often feel the same. Parents or caregivers may have considerable work to manage their own anxieties here, especially if older children have struggled with transitions, or if the child herself is especially sensitive or anxiety prone. Lead by example: talk with other adults about your fears while doing everything you can to convey confidence to your child and shielding them from their own worries. An example or two about past times when you’ve felt anxious and about the strategies you used to cope can be extremely helpful, especially since children often perceive adult competence as inborn rather than developed with time and experience. Make it a point to ask your child what has worked for them in the past so they can build on previously developed competencies and coping skills. Parents and caregivers can also help children practice more adaptive self-talk: “this will be hard, but I have a plan”; “I’m not the only one – each of my classmates is nervous about something”; “I can ask for help if I need it”.
When a child is moving to a new school, schedule a visit to walk the halls, meet the new teacher if possible, and to map out routes from class to class, to the lunchroom, to lockers, to rest rooms, etc. Use role-play or visualization sessions at home to practice behaviors that your child might find challenging: asking the teacher a question; taking a seat at a lunch table with students the child doesn’t know; asking to join a game in the gym or on the playground. Brainstorm about potential obstacles and how to handle them. Share your child’s concerns with their teacher and other school personnel so that they can be supportive if your child is struggling and ask what you can do to prepare the child at home for new school routines and expectations.
New routines may need to be established at home as well: different wake-up times, a new bus-stop to walk to, new after-school arrangements. Wherever possible, new routines should be set in motion a week or two before school starts for the year. And, while it is best to let new friendships evolve naturally, a parent can certainly give the child a heads-up about other kids in the neighborhood who might be walking the same route or riding the same bus. In addition, teachers might suggest that an incoming child talk with a classmate who’s been in the school already, or with a student who just moved up to the next grade, so that the child can “get the scoop” from a peer.
Parents and caregivers might also want to ensure that beginnings and endings are properly highlighted and celebrated. They can help their child get closure with the school he’s leaving, saying goodbye to teachers and peers and acknowledging the loss. At the same time, parents can find ways to make the first day at a new school special – maybe with a special breakfast in the morning and an after-school celebration as well.
As children move from elementary to middle school and from middle to high school it is especially important for parents to shift to more supportive, coaching roles. Consistent with the greater independence and responsibility that the child will experience in school, parents’ and caregivers’ behavior must shift away from doing “for” them and allowing them to do for themselves, albeit with parental/caregiver consultation and support. This includes advising and problem-solving discussions with the child while resisting the urge to intervene or fight battles for them with peers, teachers, or coaches. And, even in situations that involve actual danger (e.g., engaging with an aggressive bully or a dangerous sport), parents and caregivers should nudge children to face their anxieties rather than adopting a position of avoidance. While there are, of course, times that steering clear of a risk is the right move, in many situations the risk is manageable, and avoidance will only reinforce and strengthen anxiety. Preparation and gradual exposure help to diminish anxiety over time, enabling an individual to pursue life’s goals despite feelings of discomfort.
Finally, it is important for parents, caregivers and school personnel to consider the additional challenges that might be faced by certain groups of children. Children whose academic and social development are affected by neurodiversity issues such as learning differences, ADHD, or autism spectrum disorder (ASD) might need extra preparation for the adjustments that will be required at a new school or grade level.
Students with pre-existing mental health conditions might also need extra help. It might be a good idea to increase outpatient therapy sessions that are focused on change management, and to refrain from any major medication adjustments in the weeks prior to and immediately after the shift to a new school. One exception might be the addition of a “prn” (as needed) anxiety dose during the day, or an additional dose of ADHD medication if recommended by the child’s prescriber.
Districts might consider reaching out to families who reside in impoverished communities who might need help to problem-solve changes in transportation, childcare, and/or the availability of school meals. Similarly, LGBTQ students and those from racial or ethnic minority groups might need extra support as they try to figure out and adjust to the mix of students at their new schools (e.g., Is she the only Asian student in her class? Is he the only trans student in his grade level?) and the level of acceptance vs. intolerance that they might encounter.
Helping Seniors Make the Leap to College
Twelfth graders and their parents or caregivers need both fortitude and TLC as they prepare for this major life transition, a separation that can be as hard if not harder than a child going off to school for the first time. College freshman, especially those living on campus, must learn self-management strategies, daily living skills, how to turn to peers for help, and how to advocate for themselves with professors and other college officials to get their academic and other needs met.
In middle school and high school students’ days are highly structured: there are bells and online notices and parents or caregivers and teachers to help move them along from one activity to the next. In college that level of structure and oversight stops. Students must figure out how to get up and out to classes on time; how to manage many unstructured hours during their days; how to create timelines to study for tests, to write papers and to complete other projects; how to manage daily living tasks like laundry and banking and eating regularly; how to develop and maintain a reasonable sleep schedule; how to meet new people while setting realistic boundaries; and how to balance fun with academic work, and possibly paid work as well. Not to mention learning how to navigate the campus layout and their course schedules and requirements. And all while missing family and friends and the predictability of life at home.
Complicating the matter is that “college students are now experiencing record high rates of depression and anxiety. During the 2022-2023 academic year, 41% of students reported experiencing symptoms of depression and 36% said they experienced anxiety” as reported in a recent Healthy Minds Study.” This study included over 350,000 students across 373 campuses between 2013 and 2021 and revealed that “the number of students who met the criteria for one or more mental health problems in 2021 had doubled since 2013.”
Before heading off to college students with prior histories of mental health symptoms should review with parents and treating providers the signs of worsening anxiety and depression; ensure that they have a method for tracking the self-administration of medications (if relevant); review methods to maintain the habits that promote mental health (e.g., regular exercise, healthy eating, regular sleep schedules, maintaining social connections with family and high school friends); and locate/contact in advance campus-based mental health services. Given the current availability of telehealth platforms it may also be possible for some students to maintain their relationships with the providers they already work with in their home communities.
Students with no prior history of mental health symptoms can benefit from psychoeducation about the signs that might indicate a developing mental health problem. They should be fully informed about the availability of student mental health and other support services on campus and encouraged to seek out these services early on if a problem seems to be developing.
Here are some additional tips for parents or caregivers to consider while preparing high school seniors for their next big adventure:
- Emphasize that the “adventure” part sits side-by-side with the greater responsibility and sometimes-scary adjustments that need to be made.
- Actively discuss how high school is different from college.
- If your child has an IEP, include her in the last couple of meetings of the year and coach her ahead of time about how to ask questions and make her requests.
- Practice daily living skills at home for the weeks leading up to the departure for college – laundry, banking, making healthy eating choices, etc.
- Study campus maps with your child and identify his common daily routes. If feasible do actual campus walk-throughs when dropping him off at the dorm.
- Help your child develop a weekly schedule to follow that blocks off time for classes, study, socialization, eating, other daily/weekly activities.
- Review medication regimens if relevant.
- Encourage your newly minted college freshman to spend time in nature and use mindfulness strategies to stay present and open to wonder.
- Help your child create and review a list of self-regulation strategies (breathing exercises, physical activities, drawing, a playlist that energizes and/or calms, etc.). If appropriate, help your child create a self-soothing kit that includes a favorite garment or stuffed animal, a treasured keepsake, a photo of family, a pleasantly scented hand lotion, etc.
- Brainstorm with the child about finding a “community” at college – a club, the school newspaper, a glee club, a sports team, or perhaps a campus-based political or religious organization.
- Role-play various scenarios with your teen: asking for special food preparation at the cafeteria or a restaurant; approaching a professor for help or an accommodation; opening a conversation with a peer.
- Make sure your child knows that you are an ever-present, only a text or phone call away, consultant.
- Talk to other parents or caregivers who are experiencing separation anxiety about their soon-to-be college freshmen to normalize your mixed feelings and strategize ways to cope.
Resources:
7 Key Points to Help You Transition Through Change | Psychology Today
How to Cope With an Anxious Child | Anxiety in Children (childmind.org)
How to Prepare Your Child for a New School |… | PBS KIDS for Parents
Supporting Your Child’s Transition to Middle School | K-12 Schools | U.S. News (usnews.com)
7 Tips for College Students: How to Study With ADHD (verywellmind.com)
Depression in college students: How to help students manage their mental health – Mayo Clinic Press
